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by gravy_tape



Category: Gundam 00
Genre: Character Study, Gen, M/M, Season 1, Tieria Erde's first ever human emotion, existential pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-05
Updated: 2018-06-05
Packaged: 2019-05-18 11:28:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14851892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gravy_tape/pseuds/gravy_tape
Summary: His long standing assumption that he was necessary and revered slowly began to ebb away, slowly began to turn to a feeling of inadequacy that gave way to total alienation as those around him began to simply give up.





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**Author's Note:**

  * For [nuricurry](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nuricurry/gifts).



> I haven't really written a damn thing in about 3 years but:  
> This is for Nuri who watched Gundam 00 with me 10 years ago and jumped right at doing it again. Though I imagine this time around there's more screaming, but probably the same amount of soul crushing adoration for Tieria Erde.

He didn't dare define it as an identity crisis, he didn't dare admit to himself that there was a possibility that he was anything less (or more) than human. He didn't dare begin to entertain the notion that his inability to relate, his inability to empathize, his inability to articulate exactly what emotions he was feeling was due to some disconnect between himself and the rest of the human race.  
The fact that articulation of emotion remained a challenge was surely a result of simply being goal oriented. Any personal want or need or goal was secondary to the needs to Celestial Being. He was not an individual, but simply a part of a greater whole – a part of something greater than himself and it didn't matter that in some way, personally, he was unfulfilled and unexplored. His own needs were secondary to the needs of the world. Sacrifices must be made.

That was what it was, a sacrifice, he told himself. A sacrifice of personal understanding. Of course he didn't understand Allelujah's bleeding heart and pacifism in the face of their goals. He didn't understand Setsuna's personal and spiritual devotion to the Mobile Suit despite devotion being the source of his childhood being stripped from him. But more than anything, he did not understand Lockon's empathy. An empathy and care that extended to every member of the crew, regardless of position.  
Of course Tieria lorded himself over others, he was the only one able to access Veda, he was the crux of their entire operation. He was the facilitator, the hand that guided their actions. They would be adrift any helpless without his ability to interface. In addition to this, he was a Gundam Meister. It was not a title given to just anyone, to any recruit that came to Celestial Being with a mind for the cause, it was something you earned. He had been prepared to kill to earn it, though the rest of the crew never knew that.

Tieria's understanding of hierarchical social groups simply lead him to believe that he was to be revered for his services. Honored and thanked for the position he held, and the tools he alone brought to their interventions. It wasn't that he truly understood why, or believed himself to be superior – it was simply his understanding of human social interaction. He was giving them a gift, was he not? Was it not typical to be thankful to those who provide?

But he was wrong. 

He found himself feeling so far removed from his crew mates, as though despite any of their efforts to include him in social interaction he found himself dismissing the entire thing as petty and meaningless. The reality of it was his attempts to belong in an emotionally bonded, and dare he say, familial social group, felt artificial. That any attempts to relate, to understand his own emotional reasoning were simply futile. His long standing assumption that he was necessary and revered slowly began to ebb away, slowly began to turn to a feeling of inadequacy that gave way to total alienation as those around him began to simply give up.

There was much of his circumstance he didn't understand, but he understood why he found himself alone. He was difficult. He was distant and cold. His aggression may have been personal at times, but bluntness only served to hasten necessary communication. Quick to pass judgement on others as he was, he extended the same courtesy to others when passing judgement on himself. Why should he deserve second chances when not inclined to extend the gesture?  
Feelings of displeasure and anger were so much easier to articulate than those of pleasure or joy - were he even certain he’d felt either of them. He had observed, if not distantly and clinically, moments of victory and joy in his crewmates, but far be it that he share in those moments. He didn't understand Christina's dogged optimism despite the collapse of the only world she knew. Lichty’s casual and flirtatious demeanor when such companionship, Tieria felt, was so completely unnecessary to the roles they must play. He didn't understand Feldt's love and continued fondness for parents who had long since passed.

He didn't understand love.

He didn't understand the need to put the life of another before one’s own – it went against everything he understood about self preservation. He didn't understand the notion that someone could "complete you" (he had heard Christina use the phrase in the past and found himself lingering on the notion for far longer than he would have cared to admit), insinuating that a human being was somehow incomplete and the faults and flaws of another could somehow negate and better the flaws of the self.  
It wasn't as thought humans existed in a state of incompletion. The human concept of self was self contained and individualistic. He understood that humans paired off, and often times the act was sensationalized as something more than mere brain chemistry work. The notion of love was strictly a human concept, invented to explain away a perfectly simple chemical reaction. He reasoned, it was simply a fallacy invented to explain away character flaws. To explain away impulsiveness. To explain away those feelings more difficult to describe and so fleetingly felt. He didn't understand it, and found it to be a childish and delusionally optimistic notion.

He was so far removed from the objective emotional reality of his comrades. It was then he realized, it was not them who were childish and deluded. It was he that was missing some crucial piece of humanity. The rest, even Setsuna – who Tieria often found to be the most reasonable, had an unspoken bond amongst the crew. An unspoken understanding that Tieria simply lacked.  
It was a sacrifice, he began to tell himself. A personal sacrifice. To remain distant was to protect the rest of them. It was only natural that one by one they would die for their cause – it was unrealistic to think otherwise. To become attached would be to open oneself up for weakness. He was setting an example he could only hope the rest would understand.

Of course, nothing is that simple. Of course a personal breakthrough must occur at the time of resignation to the norm. Of course he would be personally invested in Lockon Stratos. He understood the various manifestations of this compulsion even less than he understood any number of perfectly routine interactions. He didn't understand his need to be near him, to have his actions validated by his comrade. The opinions of others never phased him, or mattered, but it was a bone deep desire to be approved of by this man. He hated the notion of Lockon participating in missions because while Tieria had long since accepted the deaths of his fellow Meisters, never had they chilled him to the core as any speculation, no matter how brief, on Lockon’s inevitable demise.  
He hated that Lockon was frequently sent to Earth. He resented the planet that had so doggedly refused to accept that aid he provided through intervention and yet craved to show it mercy because of Lockon's continued pining for a home he had long since abandoned. 

He couldn't make sense of it. He didn't understand it. Home was arbitrary. It wasn't a universally accepted concept, it was simply a location or domicile that one had feelings of nostalgia for – what sort of fondness could be had for a planet that was destroying itself? How could one begin to share that feeling of nostalgia for something individually experienced? Every logical part of his brain understood his contempt for Earth, and yet he found himself, more and more, offering to return to the planet with Lockon. Hoping only for wisdom and understanding, but only finding confusion and dismay in Lockon’s bright smile as he looked to the sky.

More and more, Tieria's dogmatic view of the world began to come down around him. He was separate from humanity in so many ways. Perhaps, he had begun to realize, too separate. Nuance continued to elude him in ways that were maddening. Regret consumed him beyond function. He had the potential to understand social groups, to understand human emotion and had rejected it for so long, he wondered, if it was simply too late  
  
But in one man telling him it was only human to mourn, with his sight taken from his eye by Tieria’s negligence - mourn not for his loss but for Tieria’s regret - with forgiveness was truly suffocating. 

But in Lockon, with levity and sympathy, telling him it was only human to make mistakes, was there a desperate hope that there really were second chances.


End file.
